Being a peacemaker at your home isn’t easy. It’s not the passive existence of ‘keeping the peace‘ or keeping your mouth shut to avoid confrontation. Instead, it’s an intentional state of mindfully taking careful-and sometimes difficult-decisions for your relationship.
A Muslim marriage is sacred and it takes two to work. It can’t be each partner giving 50%. It only works successfully when each partner gives their 100% in the relationship.
Having a peaceful marriage doesn’t just happen overnight. Just like a tree, it takes time for the seeds to establish solid roots in the ground and years for the tree to grow, flourish and give out its fruits.
Marriage goes through different seasons too just like the tree. Sometimes life at home is warm and loving, other times it’s dry and thorny.
It takes an understanding couple to navigate through the different phases their marriage goes through and to think wisely and act accordingly.
4 Secrets for inner peace in your Muslim marriage
1. Choose your words
When communicating with your partner, you can always deliver any point you have with a hurtful way or a courteous manner. Who wants to hear “You know it’s always been your problem that…”
Words like “You always…” or “You never…” either shut your partner down or blow their fuse. You don’t reach anywhere good with them.
Before you speak, stop for a minute and think about the fruits that you want to gain from this conversation. How do you want your relationship to grow afterward?
Instead of shaming your partner, you can tell them “I felt…..(give your feeling a name) when this happened…..(name the situation that bothered you) and I wish that ……(ask your partner what you wish he would do).” This way your are respectful, not hurtful and you delivered your message with specific expectations and action plan for your spouse.
فَبِمَا رَحْمَةٍ مِّنَ اللَّهِ لِنتَ لَهُمْ ۖ وَلَوْ كُنتَ فَظًّا غَلِيظَ الْقَلْبِ لَانفَضُّوا مِنْ حَوْلِكَ ۖ فَاعْفُ عَنْهُمْ وَاسْتَغْفِرْ لَهُمْ وَشَاوِرْهُمْ فِي الْأَمْرِ ۖ فَإِذَا عَزَمْتَ فَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ الْمُتَوَكِّلِينَسورة آل عمران-159
So by mercy from Allah, [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them. And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter. And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah . Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him].Surah Ali Imran 3:159
2. Accept them
Sakkan is the state where you feel home with your partner. We all wish and aspire to reach this phase that no matter where we are or what life brings us with its ups and downs, we know deep down there that our partner will be there for us, and keep the relationship strong until the clouds are over.
And this happens with acceptance. To accept your spouse fully for who they are with their goods and their faults and never push to have the faults change. This resistance causes turbulence. And when one partner feels unaccepted from the other and senses the other’s trial to pressure to change, their emotions phase away and drought.
However, feeling accepted and loved for the way they are, is the best gift you can give your significant other. Only then, the trust will grow, they will feel home, connected with you and you will feel the sakkan (peace).
وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَسورة الروم 21
And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.Surah Ar-Room 30:21
3. Maintain your peace first
Finally, start the peace within. Maintain your own inner peace first and it will reflect on your marriage. It is difficult to have a peaceful marriage environment when you yourself are not at peace with yourself. You need to accept your faults, forgive yourself, and give yourself a pat on the back when you need it.
Be your own source of happiness, your number one fan, and supporter.
4. Be mindfully grateful
It is easy for Satin to help us every single day see the worst in our husband/wife. This makes life unbearable when you can only see the downside of your partner. Our partners are full of good traits that we get used to and no longer feel.
Let’s make it a habit to mindfully see the good within our partners every morning or before we sleep. We can remind ourselves of the good traits that we chose them for, a hard time when they stood by us and any effort they exert for the family.
When we are in a grateful mood, we spread good vibes and Allah grants us more of what we’re grateful for.
وَإِذْ تَأَذَّنَ رَبُّكُمْ لَئِن شَكَرْتُمْ لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمْ ۖ وَلَئِن كَفَرْتُمْ إِنَّ عَذَابِي لَشَدِيدٌسورة إبراهيم 7
And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.’Surah Ibrahim 14:7
May our Muslim marriages and homes be filled with friendship, love, mercy, and tranquility.